In a peaceful evening my wife came to me with face of sorrow. i dont know why, but i thought i could assume. i couldnt help myself and asked her why. she told me these things troubling her ever since. like 3 voices in her head, arguing, quarelling, resonating whats wrong and whats right. 1 voice that always tell her that i am enough, i have changed. another voice that query everything, “he just shows you what he wanna show, he still have his mistress” yada yada sort of things.
and bombing me with mistakes i did in the past, leaving the same question meant for me, unanswered. i cant defend my past, really.
“since 2018?” (this is exaggerated btw)
“why you did this to me”
“what am i wrong to you”
seriously i cant answer.
saw her crying, i very much wanna understand her tears, her head, her agony. but i dont know how to make she feel that i understood. entahlah.
as for myself, i think i am pretty good husband. i think. (not in a narcissitic way la). but whenever she breaks down, knowing i am the culprit, i cant really soothe her. so, always useless, shitty husband.
later that evening my firstborn spoke the unspeakable word towards her mother. and it broke me down. rasa aku ni dah gagal. yeah dia masih budak, tapi bila dia dah terpikir benda tu, rasa macam down pulak.
benar sebelum ni aku tegas dengan anak perempuan sulung aku tu. mungkin itu yang dia jadi memberontak. aku boleh nampak bila dia stress dengan adik adik dia. dia sound macam mana. respon dia pada arahan aku.
itsokay.
aku cuba jadi lenient sikit. kot lah boleh jadi bapak idaman.
tak nak solat? okay.
tak nak kemas bilik? okay.
tak nak main dengan Ben? okay.
nak main ipad ibu je taknak buat apa pun? okay.
nak tengok tivi je. bila kena share tivi dengan Ben, nak pergi rumah tokmi supaya boleh sambung tivi? okay.
entahlah. aku pun banyak benda dalam kepala aku, tapi rasa tak boleh nak cerita. so, okay kan jelah bila orang tanya. sebab bila cerita nanti orang takkan faham jugak, last last meleret lead to no where.
so petang semalam mood aku agak swing, tapi aku tengok wife aku rilek je main dengan anak anak, cakap dengan mak aku. mungkin dia sudah lama dalam perjuangan ni, sampai orang tak tahu dia okay ke tak. shes good at hiding her feeling too. tak macam aku lah.
sudah lama jadi suami, dan bapak ni aku jadi faham kenapa abah dulu kurang bercakap dekat rumah. banyak diam dan ia kan sahaja.
i think i need to write somewhere else, where im not being monitored or judged. i have no audience anyway.
shrugged.
may we all heal from things we didnt talk about.
A.M.