assalam. hari ni probably not the worst but also not the best for me, for entire of my life. there are couples of things happened, actually. first i broke the person whom i love the most, and secondly, i broke myself.
long story short, for previous months before ive been struggling, tried to arrange and make my life better. for instance right now i tried to get from this shithole where i work currently. its not that i hate this place so much, i just didnt like what it made me. a professional whiner, complainer, weak and pathetic. i know i should blame myself for this one for not being strong enough people needed me to be.
so today march the second was held a meeting for replacement for medical officer. i applied and alhamdulillah Allah sent me someone who can help me passed through the process, but yet somehow i didt get the placement. i stuck here. i stucked in gua musang.
Allah.
i once dreamt of working place of stress free, i can do what i want. then Allah pulled me out from general hospital, put me into a district hospital in terengganu. some times passed and i think i need a supervisor, then i applied for replacement, then He put me to sweat in gua musang where im currently working. unfortunately there is no available position there and that someone who helped me tried to put me somewhere else in northen of kelantan. he said maybe tanah merah? i said it was okay. so then i went to my wife and explained the situation. tryin to be little babyish to her. but somehow she does t receive it well.
and one word spouted from my mouth. i want to resign. i think that was everything started.
maybe my wife had enough of me, whining to her, complaints about my job to her, and maybe she quoted that i compared my job to anyone as if my job is the hardest , the most impotant, the specialest (it is even a word?) in the world. she said that i need to face reality that my job is not as cool as i thought. i need to face the reality that i actually doesnt know what i want.
macam aku ni bila dah dapat tu nak ni. bila dah dapat ni nak tu pula. aku ni seakan tidak reti bersyukur. bila diuji sikit aku dah lemah. bila diberi kepayahan sedikit, aku senang lemah dan nak give up. aku cakap than you for those words, but not the kinds that i need right now at that time. and everything become worse.
she said actually those words i gave to her when she went down herself. bila dia komplen penat bekerja, dan aku pula cakap bersyukurlah, banyak lagi orang nak tempat awak tu. yelah. kerja dekat tempat sendiri, dekat dengan keluarga. boleh jaga anak sendiri. dari dulu depressed tak boleh jaga anak lepas tu jauh pula dari family, now everythings better. she also said that what i said to her were not that kind of words she need to hear at that time.
i understand. she wants to return the favor. she wants me to munch my own words. and she did it.
remember when i said she had enough of me? she said being nice to me is too tiring as i am too judging. such a judgemental person.
many of our conversation via text went wrong as there are no actual tone and intonation, like when i write this sentence: i hate you. you can put sexy voice and it become romantic, but when you play along with sad voices, it become painful. thats why our conversation easily went wrong.
and i admit i am too easy judging people. including my wife. i cannot tolerate short text message, i cannot tolerate incomplete sentences, late reply. i know it maybe sounded like im exaggerating but did you heard, you make time for someone you love, even for five seconds. and it only takes 2 seconds to type "im busy, talk later, love" call me hopeless lover, but i always make time for her. Thats why im uncomfortable or sometimes angry when she couldt do the same to me. It only took 2 seconds.
Thats there, where the "your job is not as noble as you think" shit set in.
I was irresponsible, forgetful for what she need, and always neglect the things she really need (once she mentioned she wanted a day off from my daughter, she wanted to have her time. I said okay. But when i get back to her face to face, she never mentioned about that thing even once. I thought maybe im there with her handling Sophie would be enough. I didnt forget. I just thought that my presence beside her was enough). I like to blame for everything happened around me like it was never my fault. Always want people to treat me like a king where i was not even close.
Darling, i always treat you like my queen. I travel 400km back and forth everyday just for you. Ignored all the voices tell me it was useless, just to get to sleep beside your wife while you can wait at the end of the week to do that. I let it swipe under the mat when you bad mouthing my mother. The caretaker of our child bila kita susah. The one who never complained to provide us shelter sementara tunggu rumah kita siap. Then one yang selalu sediakan makan minum untuk awak dengan anak kita bila awak tak sempat. It hurts me when you think like that. Tapi untuk elakkan gaduh saya telan semua. I wouldnt say something mean to you because i know at the end of the day youre the one i will be hugging everynight, and the one i will always give forgiveness before i sleep. I will keep everything i want to say to you in my chest, hold em till they doesnt wanna be held anymore. I love you, i always do.
But after every words you said to me, effortlessly, it made me think. Itu je ke nilai saya pada awak. Forgetful, selfish and judgemental.
Itsokay.
Mofar Rahman.
